Singing of Wool

Manipulate the people for the money they pay – queensryche

This morning I woke up the middle of an epiphany. As I sat up and took my first deep breath of the new day, I froze. My eyes grew wide. I could suddenly see it all in breath-taking clarity. In this single frozen moment I realized; We’re all being controlled by a clandestine alliance of evil, greed-driven, kayak manufacturers through the manipulation of popular music. It’s all so obvious. How could we be so blind!? The pieces came together from years of lost memories and hidden ideas. Then, suddenly the damn broke. I became aware. I think It started to come to me late last night as the credits were rolling up on the last of the Lord of the rings Triad. It was subtle to be sure, but I could hear Annie Lennox singing; Across the sea, a pale moon rises. The ships have come, to carry you home“. That was the key.Like many of us I’ve been listing to music pumped into my head since I was little. Millions of voices over many formative years. Mapping and molding my future existence. What better medium for mind control? Just keep inserting words like; sea, ocean, ice, wave, blue, storm, boat, bow, moon, distance, and many other secret “code” words. Then over years of exposure you’ve created . . . a kayaker. I’M ON TO YOU!! Your days of evil are coming to an end!

Ever since I was young I had this terrible addiction to the sea. Odd considering I live as far from the ocean as one could be. Why was that? Subversive musical influence I bet! The AM radio scrambled lyrics of America singling “The ocean is a desert with it’s life underground“, was slowly manipulating my pre-adolescent synapse.

I can remember the fist time I stood on the coast and stared out into the Atlantic. It was a religious experience to me. Like a weight had been lifted. I just stared and trembled against the awesome power of the surf. How could I guess that everything I was feeling was artificial? Emotions plugged into my brain by such terrible bands as the Little River Band singing, “When you’re out on the sea alone, Starin’ at the full moon like a lover ” BASTARDS!

What about the Beach Boys?? Sure you may think it was all about surfboards. But was it? Was it really? Maybe it was like selling cigarettes to school children. Maybe The Beach Boys were just the first step in the advance marketing of Surf Boats!! “Sure they may start with a board,” The evil ones thought, “but soon enough the’ll want a whole boat.”. They were right! And what about Credence Clearwater setting the stage for every white water & river addict to come. Who could defend themselves against such an amazingly under-handed onslaught!

And don’t think for a second you may become immune or that times have changed. Far from it. They just keep at you. Why do you think I have 5 kayaks in my house!? It’s because they still control us with people like Travis who cunningly write songs like “Driftwood” with lines like; “Rivers turn to ocean, Oceans tide you home“. Hey that’s not even very poetic, but he got the word “Ocean” in there twice, repeated side by side. Now tell me that’s not evil??

Lest you think I’m cherry picking rare instances and laying them out as proof of subliminal conspiracies, just review my blog. I’ve inadvertently recorded large numbers of lyrical fly traps. Now that can’t be just coincidence. They’ve been doing it to us for years! Now they are exposed!

I bet I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Who?”. You have to be wondering. Is it all of them? Or is there just one evil master? It couldn’t be Frank Goodman could it?? No, don’t say it’s so! He wouldn’t subscribe to that would he? Not Nigel? Were the evil minions of Nigel Dennis standing in the concert hall wings, holding black PPK’s while Sting sang “Love is the 7th wave”? One can only wonder. Someone suggested it was Derrick Hutchinson who conjured up such cunning many, many years ago. Was it Mr. H who got to Jim Morrison and made him write, “lost in the sea and I know a treasure is waiting for me“??. But wait, he doesn’t manufacture kayaks. Hmmm, maybe he did influence Current Designs. . . Who would ever know? You know you can’t trust Canadians. They’re too happy. There is something wrong with that. Gotta be.

I’m not sure we’ll ever identify exactly who is sitting in that little room with the black table. But maybe we can defend ourselves. We can refuse to listing to music. We can refuse to buy another kayak. We can listen to books on tape and play Jenga instead! That’s what I’m going to do.

Well, right after Canoecopia anyway.

– X

9 Responses

  1. bonnie

    oops. W. is our current President’s middle initial & sometimes a nickname for him.

    I guess probably this sort of anti-Bush iconography is a little more prevalent (hence familiar) in NYC than most places. Feelings run strong here.

  2. alex

    Hmm… I’m not a big fan of “Dubya” myself but I don’t think I’d want to contaminate my paddling with my politics.

  3. Anonymous

    I wonder if that guy from Pnet read this.
    We’ve all been warped into kayaking and manipulated into high end kayak snobbery according to the missive from that plane of drivel. The signal to noise ratio is becoming hard to tolerate.

  4. bonnie

    Me too, actually.

    The picture made me laugh, but I wouldn’t think about imitating her. One of the things I love about paddling is the way it clears out my mind of the day-to-day annoyances. Putting political stickers on my boat would therefore be counterproductive.