Spies Like Us
Published March 9, 2006 | 
When you were young and your heart was an open book
You used to say live and let live
But if this ever changing world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die - macca
Midwest secret agent, code named “Liza” has returned from a clandestine meeting with KW global super spy, “X”. The photo included in today’s report is the first and only known photo of this aquatic ultra sleuth. We have to thank Liza for the risks she took to take this photo and we are happy she made back safe and sound. We can only hope that the information garnered from agent X holds some value.
Debriefing:
The White Paper: Digital video and supporting white paper prove once and for all that KW’s author is beyond a doubt. . a hack. This short note and video clip exposes DM as the total no-talent slob he actually is. Click here to view.
Agent “WI5″ who is actually a southern Right Whale, reports that Greenland’s invasion of New Zealand is going according to plan. As you know Greenland has sent a team of 3 Americans & 1 German as an advance team with designs on conquest. Greenland being a land of wise people, happily sends foreigners as the frontline force in any distant invasion.
At the same time it is rumored that under cover of darkness, sea sorceress JC (read recent interview) has made it through the front lines of this battle and stood before the all powerful wizard, Paul Caffyn. Her mission if she can succeed, will be to bring his writings to the faithful of Europe. However, according to Agent WI5, (who you will remember is actually a Right Whale) secret communiqués suggest that JC is acting as an agent provocateur and may have turned the once white wizard to darkness. It is suggested in coded verse that both he and JC will actually be joining the Greenlanders in their invasionary mission. Further it is understood that JC is joining them as representation of Greenland’s until now unknown ally, Wales. What’s more, some members of this elite force may be kitted out by Reed while taking over New Zealand, and of course that means they will look damn good while doing it.
In further news it has been discovered that the UK has planned a mission to end the fantasy among their people that there are great lakes the size of small oceans hidden among the mid-western states of the new world. This rumor has been causing unrest among her citizens who have become bored with the open Atlantic and Welsh tidal races. UK officials now fear a mass exodus cannot be far away, leaving their country drained of top kayaking talent. Which of course is their 5th most high profile export after; the Beatles, BBC programming, keep left signs, and as you may have guessed, Wensleydale. Many in the UK have heard reports of these “Great Lakes” from those who have claimed to see them. Even renowned explorer Nigel Dennis has claimed in the past to have rode the waters of a cold, dark, northern sea during the wicked gales of November. But those stories could never be proven in more sober moments beyond the bonfires. To this day UK officials are are quite sure that the stories of great inland seas are totally without basis and intend to send an authoritative figure to prove it. Facts are sketchy at this point, but it may be that this cloaked un-named investigator will be seen crossing the tarmac of the Dane County Regional Airport sometime in late May.
Lastly it has been made clear that kayak mafia upstarts code named “Rutabaga”, (like that could be a REAL name) are gathering paddling arms dealers from around the globe this weekend. High powered telescopes have identified wanted individuals such as John Bauman, Wayne “Surfzone” Horodowhich, Brent “The Stroke” Reitz and others gathering near Madison, Wisconsin. It is even suggested that former Michigan kingpin Stan Chladek will appear just to keep everyone in check. Click for Map to Canoecopia at Alliant Energy Center.
So that’s the report from Agent X who is now hiding somewhere in the vicinity of Santa Cruz. This may be the last broadcast for a few days. Now that the mob-bosses at Rutabaga realize what a hack DM actually is, he will spend the weekend relegated to schlepping boats! However on Saturday you may find him held prisoner under the watchful eye of Sloop JohnB while recruiting innocent bystanders to join us in Door County later in the summer. Hopefully DM will find a moment to slip away and get his PNET name tag, which due to his now empty coffers, may be the only event souvenir he get’s to take home.
Over and out.
P.S. Did you ever notice that if you mis-spell “Lastly”, your spell check always asks if you meant “Lustily”? That always brightens my day!!
* photo by Elizabeth Gould. Used by kind permission. Thank you!!
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5 Responses to Spies Like Us
Nice plowing ender! I can’t do that very well in my kayak so I typically have to rely on my double pump. You’ll be bowstalling and cartwheeling in no time!
so there’s a name for that!?? Pretty funny. Once in a while I can hold it for a second or so but then I’m right over. I am trying to get the paddle under the water, then use it for stability but It’s going to take a while. At first I really had to get up speed but now it’s not taking as much effort to get up there, thank god. That’s a lot of work. So. . what’s a double pump? You have a video?
Spies Like Us?
What’s a dickfur?
To pee with stupid.
The key is that if you want to hold that position without falling on your head, you need to put your arms and head further in the water when vertical rather than pulling your head up. A double pump is putting the boat one edge and then smashing the bow down with a backstroke to get vertical. It is the basis for most playboating moves. I got my first extended bow stall last weekend (~10 seconds) but I couldn’t replicate it afterwards. I don’t have a video, but here’s a picture progression of the move. http://www.getxed.com/ken/blog/archives/000014.html
10 seconds!?? Wow!
That’s a great link. It’s pretty easy to visualize. Well, something to try next week!