Spies Like Us
Published March 9, 2006 | 
When you were young and your heart was an open book
You used to say live and let live
But if this ever changing world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die - macca
Midwest secret agent, code named “Liza” has returned from a clandestine meeting with KW global super spy, “X”. The photo included in today’s report is the first and only known photo of this aquatic ultra sleuth. We have to thank Liza for the risks she took to take this photo and we are happy she made back safe and sound. We can only hope that the information garnered from agent X holds some value.
Debriefing:
The White Paper: Digital video and supporting white paper prove once and for all that KW’s author is beyond a doubt. . a hack. This short note and video clip exposes DM as the total no-talent slob he actually is. Click here to view.
Agent “WI5″ who is actually a southern Right Whale, reports that Greenland’s invasion of New Zealand is going according to plan. As you know Greenland has sent a team of 3 Americans & 1 German as an advance team with designs on conquest. Greenland being a land of wise people, happily sends foreigners as the frontline force in any distant invasion.
At the same time it is rumored that under cover of darkness, sea sorceress JC (read recent interview) has made it through the front lines of this battle and stood before the all powerful wizard, Paul Caffyn. Her mission if she can succeed, will be to bring his writings to the faithful of Europe. However, according to Agent WI5, (who you will remember is actually a Right Whale) secret communiqués suggest that JC is acting as an agent provocateur and may have turned the once white wizard to darkness. It is suggested in coded verse that both he and JC will actually be joining the Greenlanders in their invasionary mission. Further it is understood that JC is joining them as representation of Greenland’s until now unknown ally, Wales. What’s more, some members of this elite force may be kitted out by Reed while taking over New Zealand, and of course that means they will look damn good while doing it.
In further news it has been discovered that the UK has planned a mission to end the fantasy among their people that there are great lakes the size of small oceans hidden among the mid-western states of the new world. This rumor has been causing unrest among her citizens who have become bored with the open Atlantic and Welsh tidal races. UK officials now fear a mass exodus cannot be far away, leaving their country drained of top kayaking talent. Which of course is their 5th most high profile export after; the Beatles, BBC programming, keep left signs, and as you may have guessed, Wensleydale. Many in the UK have heard reports of these “Great Lakes” from those who have claimed to see them. Even renowned explorer Nigel Dennis has claimed in the past to have rode the waters of a cold, dark, northern sea during the wicked gales of November. But those stories could never be proven in more sober moments beyond the bonfires. To this day UK officials are are quite sure that the stories of great inland seas are totally without basis and intend to send an authoritative figure to prove it. Facts are sketchy at this point, but it may be that this cloaked un-named investigator will be seen crossing the tarmac of the Dane County Regional Airport sometime in late May.
Lastly it has been made clear that kayak mafia upstarts code named “Rutabaga”, (like that could be a REAL name) are gathering paddling arms dealers from around the globe this weekend. High powered telescopes have identified wanted individuals such as John Bauman, Wayne “Surfzone” Horodowhich, Brent “The Stroke” Reitz and others gathering near Madison, Wisconsin. It is even suggested that former Michigan kingpin Stan Chladek will appear just to keep everyone in check. Click for Map to Canoecopia at Alliant Energy Center.
So that’s the report from Agent X who is now hiding somewhere in the vicinity of Santa Cruz. This may be the last broadcast for a few days. Now that the mob-bosses at Rutabaga realize what a hack DM actually is, he will spend the weekend relegated to schlepping boats! However on Saturday you may find him held prisoner under the watchful eye of Sloop JohnB while recruiting innocent bystanders to join us in Door County later in the summer. Hopefully DM will find a moment to slip away and get his PNET name tag, which due to his now empty coffers, may be the only event souvenir he get’s to take home.
Over and out.
P.S. Did you ever notice that if you mis-spell “Lastly”, your spell check always asks if you meant “Lustily”? That always brightens my day!!
* photo by Elizabeth Gould. Used by kind permission. Thank you!!
Sea Kayak Meditation
Published March 8, 2006 | So, I saw this picture. . . and wondered if I could do it. . .
ommmmm. . . .
the next sound you hear will be a big splash!. . .
Fiberglass Monkey
Published March 7, 2006 | 
Come my baby, dressed in red
Hey baby, won’t you come to bed
Cocaine, all around my brain.
Hey baby, won’t you please come quick
This old cocaine’s makin’ me sick
Cocaine, all around my brain. – drake
There is nothing more wonderful to a Wisconsin kayaker this time of year than to check the weather forecast and seeing the temperature going up, up, up, each day of the week. Especially when it’s going up above freezing! No more pools!! But on the other hand that means rolling in ice water again. . well, maybe the love affair with the pool will go on a bit longer.Each morning when I crawl out of bed I work my way back to my office and turn on the computer. I check email, news, stats and then work on my blog before trying to earn a living. My office is filled with sailing ship models, charts, old gear, model kayaks and more. Behind my custom hand made model blue Explorer is my one unopened copy of “This is the Sea Two” that holds within memories late night html coding, a bad hat, and a Michigan weekend. So sad!! So within about 10 minutes of getting out of bed I’m immersed in kayaking. In fact since today is Tuesday, Mary and I have to work out the who, whats & wheres about going to the pool tonight. Will Gryphon come along? Should we take the WW or the long boat?, etc. Since we go to the pool Tuesday and Wednesday each week we try to have a “play day” and a serious practice day. Tonight we’ll play tomorrow I’m taking the Acuta. So for the next two days we will not be able to avoid talking about kayaking.
With Canoecopia opening on Friday, the only day we could possibly not talk about kayaking this week is Thursday. But, that won’t happen. We’ll have been to the pool the night before. We’ll spend most of the day on and off talking about our most recent practice sessions. I’ll be complaining about not hitting this or that roll. “It’s not me, it’s the boat. . .”, that sort of thing. Mary will be asking how her sweep was going and talking about learning a Euro roll. We’ll also be planning for getting to Madison before 8am the next day for the start of the big event. Ok, So not one day this week can possibly go by without discussing kayaking. Then the weekend is a given. 3 days of nothing but kayaks!! Monday we’ll be sitting around reviewing the weekend and then Tuesday it’s off to the pool. . We are a sad lot.
Which reminds me. I have to answer some emails too. Sorry. Often emails get second place to my work email. No, that’s not true. Not often as much as “occasionally”. Usually when I see email come in to my kayakwisconsin.com address I stop what I’m doing to read and respond. I’d much rather talk about kayaking after all.
Obviously we’re addicts. Or at the minimum possessed. Kayaking has taken over. It has grown beyond a hobby and become a life style, or as Brent Reitz says, “a personal identifier”. So now I’m wondering. Is this unique? How many of you can’t get through a day without saying the word “kayak” or having at least one conversation that involves kayaking? Do you work out new rolls in your dreams? Are you staring at charts planning summer trips? Are you driving down the road thinking about replacing your worn tow rope?
I’ve read a lot of jokes about kayak addiction but being me, I somehow end up thinking about it more seriously. Not a day goes by that we are not either paddling, playing with gear, wish booking, reading or talking about kayaking. There’s a fiberglass monkey on my back!
I keep having hallucinations. In them Mary’s little silver kayak pendant suddenly morphs into a little silver spoon!- d
False Memories
Published March 6, 2006 | 
I’m standing on the leading edge
The Eastern seaboard spread before my eyes
“Jump” says Yoko “Oh No!
I’m too scared and too good looking” I cried”
Go on”, she says”Why don’t you give it a try?
Why prolong the agony all men must die” – waters
Did you ever get something really cool and wake up the next day and not be sure if it was real or not? I suppose it’s better than knowing you did something the day before but not being able to prove it. Time is a very strange thing. I was pretty sure I went paddling the day before yesterday’s storm. I could see the pictures on the computer. I could read the blog. But they always seem like watching some strangers home movies. So I found myself having to roam down the stairs and just check. Yep. there’s the Acuta along with 2 Explorers and a Greenlander all suspended above my head. Then up on a ledge is the CD Breeze. The breeze has to go there until we send the yellow Explorer away. We’ve definably crossed over into the opulent. I’m actually going to look forward to selling the explorer just so I don’t feel too “over-the-top”. Having 4 kayaks hanging over my head seems like a metaphor waiting to happen.
Valley Anas Acuta
Published March 5, 2006 | 
Karma karma karma karma karma chameleonYou come and go
You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green – boy george
We loaded up Mary’s Greenlander and took off down Interstate 90/94 for the 45 minute drive down to Madison. Of course everyone at Rutabaga is in “Canoecopia” mode, but that didn’t stop them from having the Acuta un-wrapped and ready to go.
Now the important news from Rutabaga this week is that part owner Jeff Weidman will be taking a rolling lesson in the pool at Canoecopia. Can he learn to roll with a huge audience at this very public event?? We hear that in cigar hazed back rooms, bets are being taken. I’ll be contacting my bookie. .
Our new Acuta as you can see is white and grey, or according to Jeff, “Smoke”. After fiddling around way too long over colors I just wanted something that would look rich, stay looking good, and not clash each time I buy a new pfd! The colors come off much better than I expected. The keel strip I think complemented the curves of the craft. As the day progressed I noticed how the Acuta picks up the color of it’s environment. It’s a Kayak chameleon!
I was sad to see that the old “Anas Acuta” in a scrolling font was not on the deck. In fact the only identifier is a new side sticker, the “Valley” logo just under the cockpit. I’m very sorry to have to say this, but this logo is the clunckiest design I’ve seen in some time. It really detracts from the boat. I will be taking the stickers off the side of the boat. I really do want people to see it’s a Valley, but not with that ugly sticker. Maybe I’ll make my own. 
You know you start out a bit edgy with a new kayak. Luckily I put the first scratches in it while loading it on the truck. Even though they’re only in the keel strip, I feel much better now. After that I can seal launch off sandpaper and be ok with it.
Sliding into the cockpit at Lake Columbia, (Wisconsin’s only non-flowing, open, inland water, at the moment) it felt much different than the model I tested last summer at the Door County Symposium. The seat felt higher. I’m not sure if that’s true, but regardless I will be removing the seat as soon as I can find time and talent. I probably should have had that done by Valley, but it’s too late now! Although I seem to fit into it nice and snug, I’m sitting very high in the boat. See the gallery for pictures. I have a nice shot inside the cockpit.
If you want to feel fat, just put on dry gear and slip into an Anas Acuta after spending the last few weeks in a pool! Yikes! When I finally stretched out I was able to play a bit and was surprised how often I found the Acuta feeling similar to my Explorer. When I first edged the boat I noticed the Acuta eases over into it’s secondary in a smooth motion just like my Exp. In the NDK Greenlander on the other hand, I seem to “freefall” from the initial to the secondary. It’s quite a difference. Because of the Acuta’s shape, rolls were very smooth. Really the only issues I had were with all my fat gear. When I got back near the landing I took of the PFD and placed it on the deck. That made a big difference (but don’t tell anyone. . .)
My first impression is that it rolls a little better than my Explorer. A bit “faster” for lack of a better description. With my hips snug in the seat, it seems to focus my body more toward that twisting motion of Greenland rolls than that momentary “hip-snap” we all know and love. In the end it meant that I was coming up much quicker than I expected. I had to slow everything down a bit. The Acuta just does not need you to work for your rolls. It obviously will be the rolling boat I wanted without going hardcore and buying a SOF. The Acuta is perfectly designed between the Sea Kayak and the rolling boat. Well, for me anyway.
It’s true that it turns on a dime, even if you don’t edge much. I’ve read that it’s a bear to keep on a line, but I found that with the narrower hull I can use a very high stroke and move very quickly without having to correct. It seems very easy to control. However, this first day I was on a placid lake. I’m withholding my final opinion until I get it in some conditions.
That’s about it for my first impressions of the new Acuta. This morning I had to quickly get it off the Jeep and into the cellar before the coming snow storm arrives. So now I’ll send you over to the Gallery. When you open it up be sure to click on the little “?” icon in the lower right hand menu. This will display the descriptions for each shot. You can also put the mouse over the image to see the descriptive text. CLICK HERE !
Ok, so hopefully I’ll get to take it to the pool later in the week. Fun, Fun!!
Sense of Premonition
Published March 4, 2006 | 
Your so far away
Doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
And it doesn’t help to know you’re so far away… c.king
Someday I should really develop a sense of premonition. Well, I probably won’t, but I should. I should have known early this week when that whole tooth & ear pain thing started showing up. Suddenly I had an ear ache & tooth ache all at once! I was miserable. But I took it as just a normal painful infection which is my part of life’s burden. I didn’t see the message in it. It soon cleared up and I was back to daily life without thought. But it would’nt last. Mid-afternoon yesterday I suddenly had a fat lip! Right out of nowhere. A big fat swollen lip. What the heck!? I was just beginning to ponder the rational reason for it, when the phone rang. . .Now I know. The day my new Anas Acuta finally left the port on it’s way to Wisconsin karmic balance demanded I would suffer pain. My ear & teeth pushed searing pain into my skull. Then as it was unloaded into the lot at Rutabaga, again the gods would strike. This time with a big fat swollen lip! Fine. I know the need for karmic alignment. I’ve accepted it. The thing I can’t do is anticipate what I’m being punished for at the time. Frankly if I’d known the boat was coming it would have made the pain more bearable.
Someday I should really develop a sense of premonition. Well, I probably won’t, but I should. . .
I’m off to get the Acuta today. Damn, I hope they don’t pick on my fat lip!
* image from Dore’s Purgatorio and Paradiso
Krispy Kreme or Dunkin’ Donuts
Published March 3, 2006 | 
You think this life would make me bolder
But I’m running scared is all
I hang on everything about you
You think I’d settle down cuz I’m older
But I roll with the changes is all
I’m same old trailer trash in new shoes – mb20
So by this time Don Beale should be working away like a beaver on Mary’s new Greenland Stick. In the end the only way to replace her broken one was to get her one from Don. I actually did do quite a bit of shopping around but in the end Don’s work and reputation are just too strong to refuse. Now, he hasn’t started naming his paddles like Stradivarius yet, but each one is uniquely customized to the paddler and has it’s own unique number marked in the paddle itself. Mary’s new paddle will be a blackish color, slightly shorter than I would use, with a smaller diameter loom to fit her super small hands. I’m sure we’ll be talking more about her paddle when it arrives.
And speaking of (here I go again) black Don Beale paddles, you may have noticed one in the hands of Freya Hoffmeister who again get’s mention here as I was just flipping through my new copy of Seakayaker and saw she is now getting photo cred. In this case with Tanja Ohlsen for a great technique article called “The Eskimo Rescue Revisited” Yeah, a lot of us know the Eskimo Rescue, but author Bernard Hillejan does a great job of focusing on staying IN the boat as well as taking rescue off the flat water and into conditions. One thing (among others) that I learned from his article was an option if the paddler was in the water. . a Reentry Roll Eskimo Rescue. That had never crossed my mind before. Anyway, I certainly want to recommend getting the new SK edition for Bernard’s article. He’s surrounded by Kayak fishing articles this month so he could use the support!!!
And lastly today I’ve got a new video clip to share. This one is an attempt at a vertical roll. No, it’s not all competition quality (or a rolling boat for that matter), but I’d never seen it from under water before and it just sort of surprised me. So have a look and keep an eye on the paddle. (Top Clip) I wonder what would happen if they started using underwater cameras and Qajaq competitions??
Everyday I’m getting about 20 emails called, “Doughnut Survey”, “Krispy Kreme or Dunkin’ Donuts”. Hmm, Are they asking which one goes in the middle? Oreo had a great idea. It should certainly be applied to doughnuts.
- Happy Friday!
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