I can’t help but feel each day the pressure of a setting sun. Sure, it’s not like I’m a geezer but I’m a bit sensitive to endings. Sometimes they take you by surprise. You don’t have all the time in the world to realize you don’t have all the time in the world. That sensitivity to the temporary nature of life drives me. A doctor once said I must have some disorder going on. Yeah, It’s that disorder where you realize you don’t live forever and find that important! Obviously this quack never read Jung. Only a text book would not recognize “quiet desperation” as a healthy or at least normal state of the psyche.

I wish I had time to learn all there is to know. But that’s downright silly. We only have time to specialize in a few things before we rejoin the molecular structure of the dirt. Or, if you like, push up daisies. Among other things of course, I’ve taken up sea kayaking. One thing I’ve found in Kayaking is a personal daily metaphor. I need that. All I need do is look at my boat and it reminds me that in kayaking as in life, to keep moving. Keep learning. Be flexible and open to change, face fear and on and on. If I’m board with it, it means I’m giving in to mediocrity. I’m becoming a sloth. I need to try something new. Find new challenges. I don’t bail out and put the boat away. I find new ways to play with it. Ansell Adams could shoot forever within the confines of Yosemite and continue to grow. Limits are not as we like to think, . . limitations. Limits are just parameters that define the challenge.

In the distance I see a coming battle. The smoke and mist of this war are just over the next big wave. It’s another battle with fear. My personal fear. I know this enemy well, we’ve fought many times before. Fear at worst can be crippling, at best distracting. Somehow I’ve always managed to not be paralyzed by it. Yet, it sits on my shoulder and screams in my ear. It’s a distraction. In recent years I feel like I’ve been winning this battle most of the time. Yet, I think sometimes that this trend toward wins is just an inventory of easy victories and not real challenges. I know this much, at times I’ve been holding back. Every so often fear makes my teeth hurt and I choose to retreat, at least for a moment. Yet, I also know I go back. I’ve been taking on fear in little slices. A slow climb is better than going back down I’d think. I’m not running scared, but I’m not leaping either. At least I don’t feel that way. In my kayaking experience I know there are bigger and scarier days out there that are still reasonable and safe for thoes with experience. I need to challenge them and challenge myself to take them on.

Being here in the Midwest gives you some leeway to hide within our more friendly environment. You can claim “lack of access”. But that’s not really true. Not everyday is a big sea day for sure, but not everyday is cake. A few days here and there on the lakes I’ve dived into waters bigger and louder than the voices in my head. I’ve not been panicked, but I’ve felt fear as a companion. I’ve wondered, “Is that fear strong enough to stop me from acting?” So far, not when it mattered. So far every time I’ve faced “BIG”, (my ever-changing perception of “big” anyway) I’ve been too busy to worry about it. Too occupied to be scared. Necessity has always blocked my fear. So far. . . Yet, I know if I have to just go to play in the “big stuff” without cause, but just to “play”, that’s when I may be tempted not push it. It feels something like vertigo. Odd how that works. If you are involved in a rescue or whatever you have almost no fear, but in lesser conditions when paddling just for the sake of fun, fear can then re-appear. It can have power. Strange.

Sure, it may not be easy not to notice outwardly; My little battle with the abyss. I do like to dive in when the weather turns rough. This is true. Friends know I’m a foul weather junkie! Some find me a bit crazy. I want the battle. I want the high. I want to win. The battle is not with the environment, it is against fear. . The water will kill me without mercy. I know that. I fear it. Yet I climb into my warhorse and ride out. I jump before fear can make it’s case. Once in the tempest, survival over comes fear. I have to concentrate. Yet, did I face it or bypass it? I wonder. I feel when the smoke clears that fear has been left bloodied on ground. I feel something not unlike ecstasy. Big waves are a rush, but victory over fear is personal. Of real value. Often how big is “BIG” is defined much more by fear, than by the state of the sea. And in the end victory over fear is something much bigger than just “kayaking”. My kayak interestingly, is often the vessel in which I do battle with myself.

I used to be afraid of water, then deep water, then little waves, then bigger waves, then wind, then high wind and big waves. . . On we go. I’ve been thinking about the future. Personal goals in the sport. I think I know what I have to do. I can see a path. But between you and I, sometimes I’m a little afraid.