derrick’s amazing passport trek
March 29th, 2007 | 
Author: 
the year 2000, Ever the drama queen, Derrick does his best William Shatner. . .
“to explore. . . strange new worlds. . . To baldly go. . .”
Bloody Hell! Ever think of just running away and not coming back? Yeah well, I was thinking Peurto Rico might be nice. Then of course I read a journal from a scientist at the Aricebo Observatory. . . Lines, delays, delays and lines. Ok, Forget that!! But then again, I live 90% of my life out of the system. So the occasional queue shouldn’t bother me. But the truth is I always feel like one of those guys in Star Trek waiting for their turn in the disintegration booth. I feel this urge to run!! “RUN Boy!!! NOW, while you have a chance!!” I can hear the zapping sound as each person in line disappears. . One thing I learned though, was that the lines for public services in PR probobly ar’nt all that much longer than here. Only here we can’t pay someone to stand in line for us.
Well, I finally gathered all my papers and went into the antique marble county courthouse and walked past all the people in the hallways waiting for their various trials. Most of the time the people outside the courtroom don’t look like thugs. Usually they just look like they’ve suffered a lot. County court is usually more a humiliation or inconvenience than anything. I’m sure it feels often like just more oppression from the system. As I walked by I smiled at a mother doing her best to keep a toddler entertained in this dark golden austere atmosphere.
At the Clerk of court’s windows they put up big signs telling you that you must go to window #4 or they won’t talk to you. Of course at window #4 they told me that although they were there, they werent there and I’d have to come back tomorrow. Fancy that!?
So the next day found me up early and driving again to the seat of our county government to again attempt to get my passport dealt with. All the paperwork had been filled out and identification was in order. Stalin would be proud. At the window the woman worked with dedication through all the paperwork until it came time for me to give her a check for the Department of State. “Hey,” I wondered, “Will any of this money go to buying Condelessa Rice a new swimsuit??” Lord knows she needs a vacation! I suddenly felt a bit of a niggling about sending them a personal check. I could see delays. So I said I’d like to get a money order. She sent me to the bank across the street. Ok. Well, they were very helpful until they realized I didn’t have an account with them. “Leave Scum, we don’t serve your kind here”. Wells Fargo are a bunch of chumps if you ask me. So off to the post office.
I waited in line with a particularly pretty and friendly young woman. She would smile and look at the ground then glance up again and flush. Ok, then. I turned away and got money order. As I turned to leave she gave me a slight wave and stepped up to the counter. As I walked out I heard the woman at the counter ask her, “How, are you today?” The woman flatly replied. . “Loveless”. . .
So I returned to the courthouse and handed over my money order which went in the envelope with my nasty 2×2 pictures, and various forms and copies of Birth certification and drivers license. Then she handed me the whole pile back to take back again to the post office where they would stamp it all and expedite it out today. As I left the courthouse I approached the high marble stairs and tripped. Never touched a step. I flew through the air, packages in hand, and dropped the 7 or so feet that the steps were meant to mitigate. I landed on the concrete walk way and with 2 quick rolls I popped back up standing holding my paper work. After a moment I realized that all that high jumping off cliffs was a good thing. What sucked was that there was no one there to see my amazing recovery prowess. Blast!!
Back to the post office I went. By then the “loveless” young woman was long gone. I went to the counter and finally was able to get the neat little blue and chrome stamps and see the package go into a canvass basket behind the counter. The woman assured me that it would be in the hands of the US Department of State first thing in the morning. Being that this was a last minute thing I was happy to hear that. Just under the wire. But it’s done.
So this is what it takes to be a world traveling kayaker??? Now where’s that whiskey. . . .
Well, I finally gathered all my papers and went into the antique marble county courthouse and walked past all the people in the hallways waiting for their various trials. Most of the time the people outside the courtroom don’t look like thugs. Usually they just look like they’ve suffered a lot. County court is usually more a humiliation or inconvenience than anything. I’m sure it feels often like just more oppression from the system. As I walked by I smiled at a mother doing her best to keep a toddler entertained in this dark golden austere atmosphere.
At the Clerk of court’s windows they put up big signs telling you that you must go to window #4 or they won’t talk to you. Of course at window #4 they told me that although they were there, they werent there and I’d have to come back tomorrow. Fancy that!?
So the next day found me up early and driving again to the seat of our county government to again attempt to get my passport dealt with. All the paperwork had been filled out and identification was in order. Stalin would be proud. At the window the woman worked with dedication through all the paperwork until it came time for me to give her a check for the Department of State. “Hey,” I wondered, “Will any of this money go to buying Condelessa Rice a new swimsuit??” Lord knows she needs a vacation! I suddenly felt a bit of a niggling about sending them a personal check. I could see delays. So I said I’d like to get a money order. She sent me to the bank across the street. Ok. Well, they were very helpful until they realized I didn’t have an account with them. “Leave Scum, we don’t serve your kind here”. Wells Fargo are a bunch of chumps if you ask me. So off to the post office.
I waited in line with a particularly pretty and friendly young woman. She would smile and look at the ground then glance up again and flush. Ok, then. I turned away and got money order. As I turned to leave she gave me a slight wave and stepped up to the counter. As I walked out I heard the woman at the counter ask her, “How, are you today?” The woman flatly replied. . “Loveless”. . .
So I returned to the courthouse and handed over my money order which went in the envelope with my nasty 2×2 pictures, and various forms and copies of Birth certification and drivers license. Then she handed me the whole pile back to take back again to the post office where they would stamp it all and expedite it out today. As I left the courthouse I approached the high marble stairs and tripped. Never touched a step. I flew through the air, packages in hand, and dropped the 7 or so feet that the steps were meant to mitigate. I landed on the concrete walk way and with 2 quick rolls I popped back up standing holding my paper work. After a moment I realized that all that high jumping off cliffs was a good thing. What sucked was that there was no one there to see my amazing recovery prowess. Blast!!
Back to the post office I went. By then the “loveless” young woman was long gone. I went to the counter and finally was able to get the neat little blue and chrome stamps and see the package go into a canvass basket behind the counter. The woman assured me that it would be in the hands of the US Department of State first thing in the morning. Being that this was a last minute thing I was happy to hear that. Just under the wire. But it’s done.
So this is what it takes to be a world traveling kayaker??? Now where’s that whiskey. . . .
In another unrelated moment in 2000, derrick says,
“well about like this. . . . ” Yeah, pull the other one!!
“well about like this. . . . ” Yeah, pull the other one!!
Posted in 
your lips are blue…
..just staying on the topic…
-kqp
You need a passport for Puerto Rico? Umm… isn’t it a US territory?
Ok, as I’m typing this I just realized that you’re probably getting it for your trip to the UK. You threw me off with your Puerto Rico intro.
Hey, now you can come see us in Canada!
Lines? Just wait until youtry to flyout of PR!