sparks of independence
Published July 5, 2008 | 
Buildings and bridges
are made to bend in the wind
to withstand the world,
that’s what it takes
All that steel and stone
is no match for the air, my friend
what doesn’t bend breaks
- ani difranco
As humans we all need to be flexible. The search for stability in life is as elusive as the Cosmological Constant. We buzz around shaking and colliding like atoms. We rise as flames and fall like sparks.
In some ways it’s no wonder that our youth is called our formative years. From dining rooms, school rooms, and from the seats of bicycles we build our views of the world. Childhood experiences form the lenses of our perspectives. From this framework be begin to build our adult lives. Sometimes we cave in to those perspectives and carry them as our own, sometimes we rebel from those lessons and fight to create a new world for ourselves and the families we build into our own independent adult lives.
For myself I learned that life is in constant disarray. Trust does not come easily, even if acceptance must. Day by day life is the havoc of city street where we are street painters marking out safe borders where it is ok to cross. All the while knowing in the back of our minds that even these safe zones are not all together safe. Out of a world of instabilities I’ve found I am one who wants some constants in life. Even if only to know exactly where my coffee cup is. Any “absolute” is a blessing. Finding a shirt in a closet is a joy. Knowing there is always fuel in the furnace makes winter bearable. Simple constants are the Manna upon which the day can begin.
Of course the world provides little in the way of consistency and adapting to constant change is an important part of survival. Nothing in life should be expected, or taken for granted. Something we talk about all the time when teaching about kayaking safely, expeditions and adventure.
Coming from the world that I do, heading out into an open sea and landing on unknown beaches is sometimes quite a challenge. A challenge that has been good for my head. Yeah, there are still moments when flashes of anxiety hit me. Never it seems when I’m in the fray, if anything my mind is most clear when things go crazy. Adrenaline is rarely a drug I take willingly, yet I seem to react to it well in high dosage. No, it’s usually when everything is quiet, when the water is very calm or just as the sun slips into the horizon causing the air to suddenly take on a chill. In those moments I’ll feel that little flinch. In that moment I’ll long for the familiar. For a few seconds I’ll battle a sense of illegitimate dread. A ghost from some long ago trauma. Each time this happens I try to distract myself in mindless conversation or climb into a tent and dig into a book. Sometimes I’ll poor another tin cup of whiskey and watch the sky just waiting for the moment to pass.
Sea kayaking of course is all about exploration and learning, it’s also about gear, and boats, and skill sets. What’s more, kayaking is also about being alone at sea and facing the world with only what you have brought with you. . . including your head.
Related Posts:
3 Responses to sparks of independence
Beautifully written, thank you for sharing … when is your book due?
Marcus
Ah, the boogie men who live in our minds. Where DO they come from? They come from those seemingly minor childhood wounds that lead us to believe something about ourselves. We rehearse that idea until it becomes an automatic part of our thinking…call it a shadow. And, when that shadow controls our thinking, we feel afraid and anxious. Thankfully, there are ways to learn to control the shadow.
thanks Marcus. .
The funny bit about the shadows is that as adults we can rationalize how silly and out of place they are and still they are there. We can battle them but seldom to they actually go away.
The other hard part is that since we are all so “private” or uncomfortable with such things, you can’t just tell someone “sorry, I’m having a “shadow” moment without them thinking you are a wimp or need to be locked away. I sometimes wonder how different it would be if we were free to talk about these things just like people do about a sore back. It’s really the same. I mild irritation from a past injury.