McCoy: “Damn it Jim, what the hell is the matter with you? Other people have birthdays, why are we treating yours like a funeral?”
Well, my birthday has come around again. I’m not good with birthdays. I don’t get the celebration since birthdays are just an arbitrary mark on a calendar. It’s not a victory or an achievement, just a 24 hour marker of the passing of time. When I was a kid we didn’t have birthday parties. They were considered in my family to be bad things. After all, “John the Baptist’s head was cut off because of a birthday.” Every birthday of my life I still hear that line and others… ”Birthdays are not modest.” “You don’t celebrate yourself, you celebrate God.” ”Nothing good can ever come of celebrating the day of your birth.” Well, that’ll screw ya up! LOL!
This year the arbitrary marker hits me at an awkward time. In the light created by the flames of things that I have set alight, I was also handed an amazing gift for the future, If I’m smart enough not to fuck it up. (Yeah, that’s probably the only time I’ve used that work in my blog! But sometimes no other word will work. )
Business is good. I can look back at the day when I awoke from a dream that told me to change my whole business model… Yep, that’s how my brain works.. I dream stuff, and wake up going, “Yeah, that’s It!”, then I go crazy making it happen. I spent that morning changing the name of my business, figuring out how much work that would be, and how to explain it to existing clients.. In the end, it was really just about making my business be “me” and not be an entity which is how things used to be done. I find I’m constantly having to do that. Leaping off cliffs. Being born in 1965, I’m on the cusp between boomers and Xers. Somewhere between caring too much, and caring too little! Go figure! The result is that you move in stops and starts.
The point? Well, here, June 29th, 2012 I think I finally realized how that early view of birthdays really effected my views of self, and self-worth. Why I always felt bad about success, uncomfortable with recognition, but at the same time felt driven hard to achieve it. Strange huh? Why am I telling you? Well, because I never felt at ease to say these things to anyone. A blog is a great sounding board. You don’t have to look into anyone’s eyes while you talk! Well, other than the one dude who will inevitably say, “Hey, stick to kayaking!”. Of course if that’s you, you’ve not been following my blog very long! LOL!
Seriously though. I turned 47 today, and I woke up feeling bleak. We all have those moments don’t we? Gotta shake it. Gotta go face those obligations and find a way to enjoy the attention. I’d rather just go sit on a lake and drift. Still my logical brain is telling me that there are lots of good things out there. Some good years ahead full of possibilities. Besides, this dark entity that shows up one day each year will be gone again tomorrow like a vampire at the rising of the sun..
Just exorcising some demons.. I think I may go watch some bats this evening. I love bats…
and this is for you…